today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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