Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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