It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
