It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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