in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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