I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
