I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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