i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
