He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
whose ass print is on the piano?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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