Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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