my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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