I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
