there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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