I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she peed on how many people?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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