i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
it was like eating out sand paper
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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