i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize