he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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