can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
