That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
