I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Maybe he injected his testicle?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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