I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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