He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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