Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
