I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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