I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
