the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
