That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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