this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
