My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
