Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
