My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
