Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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