Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she pinky promised me she was 18
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
