I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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