i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
