Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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