Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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