Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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