Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
