i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
