It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
