what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
