Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
