This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
