Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
