How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
