My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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