I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
