just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
