We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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