If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
