We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
