Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
