Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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