My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
its liver damage thursday
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
