This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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