I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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