Is it because I queefed?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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